I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
