Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
oh god the rape fog is back!
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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