Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
