One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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