If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
