He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
