we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
