I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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