I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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