Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
