Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Alive.
So much puke
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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