I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
