umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
sarcasm needs its own font
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
