i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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