I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
