in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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