my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
