Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
