is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
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surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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