just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
