This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
