You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
