that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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