Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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