Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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