I met the friendliest cop last night
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
