my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
ugly people sure do ruin things
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
