he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
