Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
