I just made out with a guy for $7.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
