just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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