As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
