I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
