The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
