I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
