On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
