I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
