The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
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Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
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He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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