Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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