So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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