god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My nipple is on Facebook.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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