I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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