From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
