Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
