Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
