You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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