very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
