If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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