instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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