You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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