i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
