she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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