don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
