we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
