Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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