My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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