I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
