Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
